He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
