I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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