Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
