Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
