dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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