They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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