He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
