I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
