I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
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If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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