umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
