Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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