my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
