She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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