sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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