went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
