I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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