I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
