He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
