You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
