Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
