Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
