we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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