I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
