I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
