Cold hands, warm shart.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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