dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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