Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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