I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
