I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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