dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
did i just pee glitter
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
