I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
