So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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