Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have fence marks all over my body
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
