I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize