lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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