well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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