the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
