i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
