i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
