this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
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He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
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She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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