your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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