It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
