you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
it's great music for shaving your balls
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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