Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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