Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
