Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
