It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
