Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
