I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
