hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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