just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
