why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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