Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
