My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
