P.S. I can't hear my feet
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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