I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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