We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
