dude i'm inner monologue high
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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