how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
