He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
