Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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